Gus Understands Thor
by Khiori
Summary: Red Vines Original Red is out of stock.


"Oh. My. Sweet. Horror. The Apocalypse is unfolding right before my very unblinking eyes. Right here. Right now."

"Shawn, we're in a grocery store. The prices are _supposed_ to be high."

"Gus! I'm not talking about the deliberately inflated mockery of the capitalist pricing system here! I'm talking about the blank space on the shelf right here, indicative of The End Of The World As We Know It, exactly between the grape and black."

"Shawn, it's called customer supply and demand. A hallmark economic reality even of our modern society. Did you honestly think that you'd be the only one to realize the sweet chewy goodness of a delectable tradition over a century old?"

"Actually, yes, I did. American society has a revered and long standing tendency to deliberately ignore anything of true culinary merit."

"That is true."

"What am I going to do now?"

"I don't know, Shawn. How about you just pick another candy?"

"Just pick another-It's like you're not really my genetic male kin at all."

"Are you kidding?"

"Did we adopt you?"

"That would actually be a humanitarian violation."

"Or maybe you just have a different father?"

"Knowing your dad, I consider that a blessing."

"Gus! How can you not be sharing my soul-wrenching panic, right now?"

"I don't know, Shawn. Maybe because I've had nine and a half hours at a sucky job, followed by an hour of even more sucky Santa Barbara traffic, and now three hours of extreme suckage wandering around a grocery store. The only thing I'm feeling right now is my own agony."

"Gus, dude, I told you not to buy those shoes."

"It's _not_ the shoes. The shoes are genuine luxurious leather. They fit my feet like I was born with them on, which I should have been because I deserve to be indulged like this. It's like my feet are wearing an expensive smoking jacket and slippers. It's _you_."

"You're getting cranky, Henry Higgins."

"It's probably my blood sugar, Shawn. I haven't had anything to eat since lunch."

"You skipped afternoon tea and snacks?! _No wonder this happened!_ You've brought a curse upon us from the Junk Food Gods!"

"There are no Junk Food Gods, Shawn."

"Oh, au contraire, my noir buddy."

"Prove it."

"Where is your _faith_ , Gus? Next thing you'll be telling me is that you don't believe in chupacabras."

"I don't."

"Or sasquatch."

"Definitely not."

"Or Nessie."

"Okay, maybe that one-but only because there's prior fossil evidence of similar Mesozoic marine reptiles like the plesiosaurs. Now, pick something and let's get out of here, Shawn. I'm so hungry even you're starting to look good. Plus, there's a new food truck I want to try."

"Wait- _a new food truck?_ When were you going to tell your bestest friend in the whole universe about this treasure? You know how I feel about the exciting stainless steel Russian roulette of extreme food poisoning!"

"Trust me, every part of both my small and large intestines know it. And, for the Record of Friendship, it was going to be a surprise. I thought it would cheer you up since Juliet isn't talking to you right now."

"Gus, I would so hug you right now if we weren't in public. And if you hadn't just reminded me of my completely broken heart."

"It's not as if you couldn't see that one coming, Shawn."

"Actually, I _couldn't_. I don't have x-ray vision."

"You _know_ how that woman feels about lying."

"Yeah, but in fairness to myself, I genuinely thought it was just about the whole psychic thing. How was I to know she'd unfairly and without advanced written warning extend it into all other aspects of our relationship?"

"Uh, because Juliet's a woman?"

"Gus, that's so racist."

"Sexist."

"That, too. I had no idea you weren't the only one on the planet with an unhealthy obsessive weird relationship with your car."

"The Blueberry is not a car, Shawn, it's a lifestyle."

"I think she loved that thing more than me."

"She's a smart woman."

"I just don't see what the huge deal is. This is what insurance is for."

"Shawn, most insurance only pays for a _percentage_ of the total Blue Book value of a vehicle."

" _Exactly_. All she has to do is tell them she wants them to pay for the percentage that's _damaged_ and she'll have a whole car again. Piece of cake."

"That's pretty much _not_ how it actually works, Shawn."

"Oh, I'm pretty much sure it _is_."

"I know more about cars than you do, Shawn."

"Fine but only the full sized ones. I've got you _slaughtered_ on Matchbox."

"Sometimes I truly wonder why _I_ talk to you. Now can we get back to me getting out of here before I starve to death right in the middle of the aisle?"

"Gus, my good buddy, your grasp of the more subtle nuances of science is shaky at best."

"I work for a pharmaceutical company, Shawn. I assure you, it's not."

"Everybody knows it takes thirty days to starve to death."

"Actually, it's forty-five or longer for a normal healthy adult."

"It's like you've never opened your eyes in public before."

"Oh, trust me, I have. And it comes back to me in nightmares, times of extreme heightened stress, and when I've had too much NyQuil."

"Orange or green?"

"Oddly enough, the orange."

"Huh."

"I know."

"I'm partial to the green, myself, for inducing night visions of epic terror. Kind of like this moment right here."

"Shawn, there are times when a dude's got to just suck it up and be a dude. Pick another candy."

"Gus, a man who can't be loyal to the favorite candy of his childhood doesn't deserve to be called a man. There are Laws of Manliness irrevocably decreed throughout the known and unknown Universe which, if broken, will bring instant and catastrophic consequences upon all sentient beings everywhere."

"You're kidding. What kind of laws?"

"Ones involving toilet seats, burping the alphabet, and staying true to one's candy selection. But I can get you in touch with a good lawyer if you need a more detailed list."

"How did you _ever_ land Juliet?"

"It was simple really. She has a weakness for charming men. I'm totally her kryptonite."

"Kryptonite _kills_ , Shawn."

"The green one, yes. But I'm one of the others. Right now, probably silver because I'm suffering from extreme hunger."

"Whatever color you are you better pick another color of candy."

"Again with the racist talk, Gus. I'm actually becoming quite disturbed."

"Look, there's green, Shawn."

"I thought we already established that I'm not involved with that one. And even if I was, I do not eat green things based on moral principle, Gus."

"Shawn, _vegetables_ are green."

" _Exactly_."

"Fine, then how about purple?"

"No can do. It brings to mind a deeply rooted PTSD moment from my tender years as a young lad, involving six bags of Cheetos and twelve cans of grape soda."

"Huh. I thought you were going to say Barney."

"Okay, it brings to mind two deeply rooted PTSD moments from my tender years as a young lad."

"What about black?"

"Smacks of cannibalism somehow."

"Sugar free?"

"Get behind me, Satan."

"Wait a minute. Shawn! There are red ones right there!"

"Where?"

"There!"

"Oh, sweet merciful Willy Wonka! Tell me that you did _not_ just point out the Vines-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

"The Made Simple Vines? Shawn, that means they've got some natural stuff in them."

"And now we are all going to die. Along with whoever was so evil as to stock these."

"You are truly an idiot. 'Natural' means good for you!"

"Tsunamis, liver and onions, fish oil, the birth of politicians, do you really wish me to go _on?_ "

"They're red, Shawn, they probably taste the exact same."

"And that nefarious bait and switch scheme would undoubtedly work on the unsuspecting, the illiterate or the blind."

"The packages are totally different!"

"Okay then, just the blind. And yet, here you are trying to get me to eat the evil one!"

"Health food isn't evil, Shawn."

"Move back."

"What? Why?"

"So when the lightning comes, I don't get caught in the periphery by accident."

"Shawn!"

"Gus, seriously man, it's like you've never thrown up one of those fiber bars before."

"Okay, I've done that. But not all healthy food tastes like dry dog food."

"True, I'll give you that. Kibble tastes better. And whitens the teeth."

"Shawn, I want out of this _store_. Either pick something or not."

" _Fine_. I'm going with _not_."

" _What?_ I've been here for _three_ hours- _starving!_ -and you're going to walk away _empty handed?_ "

"Sadly, yes. I promised myself long ago that I would deny Lassie the joy of arresting me. At least for something as petty as shoplifting. Although, a grand theft auto might be worth it."

"I can't believe this."

"Oh, don't worry, Gus-I'm like Hannibal."

"Lecter?"

"A-Team, what is wrong with you?"

"I thought _this_ was your plan."

"Okay, fine, I'm like Batman. I have a contingency plan."

"And now I'm switching fandoms to Marvel."

"I can't believe you just went to the Dark Side!"

"The Dark Side is safer than you, Shawn. Plus, I hear on the internet they have cookies, hopefully with filling or sprinkles because I'm still starving here. And somehow I think I'm going to need all the extra sugar I can get because I have a feeling I'm not going to like this contingency plan, am I?"

"Oh, I'd say that depends, Gus."

"On what?"

"If we stop at the food truck first."

"Why does that _not_ sound auspicious?"

"Gus, don't be an inky Eeyore. It's not going to be as bad as you think."

"That's true. It's usually so much worse."

"We'll have tunes, air conditioning, and sustenance."

"Shawn. Where are we going?"

"Here's the address."

"To what?"

"The American Licorice Company manufacturing facility."

" _Shawn!_ That's in _Union_ _City!_ "

"Exactly."

" _That's four hundred miles and six hours away!"_

" _Please_. That's the long way. We'll take 101-N and make it in under five-and knock almost a hundred miles off. Easy peasy."

" _What?_ Shawn, are you completely _insane?_ I've had _over a thirteen and a half hour_ day already-and you want me to add _another_ _five?!_ I'll never make it!"

"Don't be _silly_ , Gus. Of course you'll make it; the Blueberry gets fantastic miles per gallon. I'll just remind you to gas up after we hit the food truck. Come on, let's roll. I'll even share you some of the delicious classic perfection of Original Red. Race you to the car, Wendell Scott!"

"Oh, you know what? _This_ is why Thor carries a hammer. _For his crazy ass white brother!_ "

"Hey, _Gus!_ Look! Pineapple's two for five bucks-how about some golden tangy manna from heaven with a side of vitamin C pick-me-up on the way to the food truck, my good buddy? Quick, find the best ten, I'll grab the cart!"

"I bet Lassie would even help me hide the body."


End file.
